my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
