Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
