tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize