Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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