I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
