I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
