I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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