my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
