so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize