A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Two words: blizzard sex
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
