dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
