You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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