My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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