david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
