How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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