Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
