Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
