I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I woke up under a house in Key West
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