i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
