They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
