I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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