I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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