in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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