My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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