yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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