I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
