He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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