We got so high we made milksteak
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
