Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
