I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
