You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
