I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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