Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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