nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
