i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
