Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
