my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
