hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
