Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
