That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
