When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
