I can feel you judging me through the phone.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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