Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
