Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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