First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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