i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
