saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
