update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
