Acid is not a monday night drug
Farmville is her only friend.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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