my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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