i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
