You made me cry and you don't even care
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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