my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
