I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just tell him i said nine months
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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