Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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