The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
