We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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