I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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