Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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