Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
