Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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