I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
