Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I said "one day" and that day is not today
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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