Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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